Sunday, 22 September 2013

The Beginning... It says what?!

I remember a Very wise Friend once told me, before getting pregnant, that my personality wouldn't change when the pregnancy test did. She wasn't wrong.
Before falling pregnant I couldn't wait for the journey, to have a bump to wear with pride and to feel excited for my journey ahead with anyone that would listen. I couldn't have been more wrong.
It's such a roller coaster of mixed emotions I never expected my brain could expand to.
The day my test said 'PREGNANT' was an ordinary Thursday, he had gone to work and I decided my period was onlyn4 days late, due to my body trying to regain some sort of normal cycle after being on the pill for so long but I'll do the test anyway, why not.
As a young woman you spend years of your adult life willing that test to say 'NOT PREGNANT' and breathing a sigh of relief every time it did, but secretly thinking what if? So when you watch it in so much hope of a positive but remembering every time it said negative, it's such an obscure feeling when it says pregnant 1-2 ..... It says what?!
Feeling so unsure of everything, the test, my head, what he'd say, how much we wanted this but had only been trying for 5 weeks, thinking it would take 6 months and now it says pregnant, it actually says PREGNANT.
Well, to say I was in shock was an understatement. See, I've always mentally prepared myself for all situations but this was so unexpected, I thought I had ages to think about it all, I had thought about it all, I thought?
I bought all the books, got excited about trying, prepared myself for months of "no not this month", dreaming about Disney holidays with our baby and buying folic acid in my next weekly shop, but I didn't seem to have prepared myself much for this moment?
At 8am on a Thursday morning all I could think about was a large glass of wine and a menthol, but the last 5minutes had changed everything, I don't smoke in the morning? especially without drinking but now I wanted a drink in the morning? All day was spent day dreaming, not really at all with it, to be honest I think I remember the next 6 weeks to be pretty much the same.
He on the other hand was reeling with excitement, telling far too many people already, while I, had only told the few that mattered, although this hadn't included our parents yet. Oh no, the parents.
This was all too much, to have to carry on my days as usual and not tell a soul? I'm a hairdresser, but now I can't talk? Luckily for me, I don't enjoy talking about me. All I wanted to do was sit down alone and mull it all over, get it straight in my head. Not an ounce of me was disappointed at all, just unprepared and overwhelmed! Completely overwhelmed.
Just re reading this brings it all back, even now at 26 weeks I feel nervous again! The waves of being ready and really not, are so few and far between!
In experience now, you just have to tell yourself that you can do it, those words are what sums it all up, you can do it, you are doing it and you will do it!

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