Thursday, 26 September 2013

Is it me? Or them?

Some days are harder than others, issues that once upon a time would have been brushed off and never given a second thought, now linger. It's seems everything feels worse? 
The truth is, no one else has changed, you have. Not in a bad way just in a, well, more sensitive way. I take everything to heart now, read between every single line and think about things 20 times a day, mull it over, pick it apart, make it something it isn't. It's drives DB mad, but I just need someone to say 'don't worry, everything's fine' that's what I fish for from him, but I think he gets tired of repeating himself! 
Some days I'm more sensitive than others, or I could start the day absolutely fine, then end it feeling absolutely low. It's nice if you have friends that either are or have been pregnant, to chat to because they get it.
Which brings me to the friends and or associates that don't have children or haven't experienced pregnancy. Most are understanding, some even go out of their way to understand and really get on board with you, while the few remain that don't get it, never will and refuse to believe your anything but moody, over exaggerating and not the person they knew before. You have to ignore these people. One day they might be in your shoes and you can let them feel how you do now.
The whole journey is an emotional roller coaster and you just have to keep telling yourself that you need those positive understanding people around you, don't worry about the others, because soon you'll have your beautiful baby and all those negative people will fade into the distance and won't matter at all! 
Giving out good advice is always easier than using it.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Feeling a bit more used to it?

It took me ages to get my head around things. But when you do, it feels great.
don't get me wrong, every now and then i stop and think, I'm having a baby, its growing and one day its got to come out? this can bring on meltdown mode! We are only human after all! but all you need is someone to say 'you can do it' and you will do it.
We had out first holiday at 14weeks, DB probably wouldn't admit to me, but I think I slightly ruined it a bit for him! Every drink he had I questioned! Looking back I feel bad, but at the time, I expected everyone to give up everything and come and join me on my side of the glass.
We had our second holiday at 25 weeks and I have to say it was a lot easier, I really relaxed and took things in my stride better, I think having the bump helped as I felt I had something to show for my change in lifestyle. That's not to say there wasn't a wobble in the middle of the holiday! 
I talk about it like I'm an alcoholic on 20 cigarettes a day, which I most certainly am not, but as soon as someone says you 'CAN'T' do it, it's something about that word 'can't' that makes you want to even more.
I suggest non alcoholic cocktails though, it's more exciting than having a coke every dinner time!
At 27 weeks now its getting more like the norm I suppose. 
We had our 20 week scan which was lovely to see our baby again, there's something so reassuring even when the midwife uses the Doppler, just to hear that beautiful heartbeat! 
Baby is still a mystery though, we are so glad we didn't find out, it makes it that bit more exciting, so we think anyway!
Each day feels like another day down and it's surprisingly going quite quickly? Despite everyone's comments, consisting of "well you still have a while yet" or "are you only 26 weeks?" I'd like to thank those for their comments, they really help you along the way, not.
Mothers themselves should also know better before commenting "your big/small for 26 weeks aren't you?!" Please leave your comments at the door, I'm finding them hard to digest.
Speaking of digestion, the heartburn is taking on a whole new level. I can't even see a pattern to it? Before pregnancy I never even knew what it was?
I'm now thinking of asking Rennie to sponsor my peppermint flavoured baby when he/she arrives!

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Before the 12 week scan...

I always felt like this was a really strange time, you can feel so alone.
I was glad I hadn't been spreading the news as widely as DB, he'd pretty much told everyone he knew before I'd got to 7weeks! This was a source of controversial conversation behind our closed doors!
Telling his parents was easy, this will be their 4th grandchild (my first though!!) so DB being the eldest of his siblings I think his mum was overjoyed but also a little thankful for his growing up! 
Mine on the other hand as first time grandparents, where blissfully unaware that I was even on this train at 24. I always wondered though, how do you tell your parents your 'trying' for a baby? You may as well let them know your spending more time in the bedroom than they probably had hoped! So I chose to leave out this conversation. 
Once those bombs were dropped I felt a little less alone, but still far from comfortable with myself and how my life had already, dramatically turned upside down!
At 8 weeks I woke up one morning to my usual trip to the bathroom and was devastated, what we discovered that morning led us to our first scan at 8 weeks, thankfully after only waiting 3 days we were reassured that everything was fine and we saw our little penut flashing on the screen. Still though, not ready to tell the world.
It is a really strange time, the time you wait In between finding out that your pregnant and your 12 week scan, your life is already changing but nobody knows, your pregnant and yet you can't carry on as normal? 
Your eating and drinking habits have to change and you can say goodbye to a cheeky menthol. 
All this aside you still feel like you. Which is the hardest part to get your head around, there's something forming in there, it's just not quite sinking in yet?

The Beginning... It says what?!

I remember a Very wise Friend once told me, before getting pregnant, that my personality wouldn't change when the pregnancy test did. She wasn't wrong.
Before falling pregnant I couldn't wait for the journey, to have a bump to wear with pride and to feel excited for my journey ahead with anyone that would listen. I couldn't have been more wrong.
It's such a roller coaster of mixed emotions I never expected my brain could expand to.
The day my test said 'PREGNANT' was an ordinary Thursday, he had gone to work and I decided my period was onlyn4 days late, due to my body trying to regain some sort of normal cycle after being on the pill for so long but I'll do the test anyway, why not.
As a young woman you spend years of your adult life willing that test to say 'NOT PREGNANT' and breathing a sigh of relief every time it did, but secretly thinking what if? So when you watch it in so much hope of a positive but remembering every time it said negative, it's such an obscure feeling when it says pregnant 1-2 ..... It says what?!
Feeling so unsure of everything, the test, my head, what he'd say, how much we wanted this but had only been trying for 5 weeks, thinking it would take 6 months and now it says pregnant, it actually says PREGNANT.
Well, to say I was in shock was an understatement. See, I've always mentally prepared myself for all situations but this was so unexpected, I thought I had ages to think about it all, I had thought about it all, I thought?
I bought all the books, got excited about trying, prepared myself for months of "no not this month", dreaming about Disney holidays with our baby and buying folic acid in my next weekly shop, but I didn't seem to have prepared myself much for this moment?
At 8am on a Thursday morning all I could think about was a large glass of wine and a menthol, but the last 5minutes had changed everything, I don't smoke in the morning? especially without drinking but now I wanted a drink in the morning? All day was spent day dreaming, not really at all with it, to be honest I think I remember the next 6 weeks to be pretty much the same.
He on the other hand was reeling with excitement, telling far too many people already, while I, had only told the few that mattered, although this hadn't included our parents yet. Oh no, the parents.
This was all too much, to have to carry on my days as usual and not tell a soul? I'm a hairdresser, but now I can't talk? Luckily for me, I don't enjoy talking about me. All I wanted to do was sit down alone and mull it all over, get it straight in my head. Not an ounce of me was disappointed at all, just unprepared and overwhelmed! Completely overwhelmed.
Just re reading this brings it all back, even now at 26 weeks I feel nervous again! The waves of being ready and really not, are so few and far between!
In experience now, you just have to tell yourself that you can do it, those words are what sums it all up, you can do it, you are doing it and you will do it!